Each person in this world has his or her own flaws, despite how perfect they may seem. On the outside, my family seems so typical and perfect, but I know better than that. I know what irks my mom abut my dad, what my parents say about my brother, what my brother thinks about the world, what my mother thinks about me. Oh, I know.

     But in the end it doesn’t really matter how much we bother each other. Today, when I went to get takeout and my mother waited in the car for me, she turned to me and smiled, and said “Jennifer, I love you.” I laughed, and said “Why are you telling me now? I’m only going to a restaurant.” She wanted to tell me because that was how she felt about me, and that feeling isn’t going to ever change, no matter what I do or what I believe.

     When I was in elementary school, I remember going home down because the boys that I had crushes on liked other people. I asked my mother in the bathroom while she was fixing her hair, “Mom, can I just marry my best girl friend? Boys are annoying,” and she said “You can marry whoever you want, as long as you are happy.”

     Everything my parents do is for me and my brother, to create a family, to create love and to give support. Though they do not support some things I do, I enjoy and will always remember those little moments when they reaffirm their love.

     When a student committed suicide at Cal a few weeks ago, I called my mom and told her the unfortunate news, and she said “Don’t ever die on me, because I can’t live without you,” and I started crying. Sometimes when you are having selfish thoughts or self-deprecating thoughts, remember that there must be someone out there who cannot live without you. No matter how broken and flawed your world is.

I hate how needy I am

My dad started lecturing me in the car about how I was so lazy in high school, and should have gotten all A’s my first two years. He talked about how “amazing” this year’s class is. Sometimes I still think he thinks that Cal is not good enough for him…well you know what dad, I appreciate the school that I go to, so be quiet.

Secrets

    Do you have those secrets, where you know you’ll never tell anyone? I hide these not close to my heart, but in my heart. They’re not secrets, exactly, more like experiences, thoughts, and sentiments.

    Do you have those moments when you can’t stand up for yourself? And for the longest time, you feel so ashamed of who you are. Maybe it’s whether you’re not good enough, or maybe it’s your past you’re ashamed of.

    You must be really special if I have told you one of these experiences. But the thing is, do you know what I have told you is a secret?

You don’t ask a dead person how it feels to be dead. You ask them how it felt to be alive. Maybe because you are dead yourself.

James and the Giant Peach

“Good heavens, he’s committing pesticide!!”

Why have I just thought of this. My brother is not here, therefore his very very clean room, is very very open for me. My bedroom is for sleeping, and his is for working. How very very convenient of him.

Glee actually made a good plot choice for once, which made me cry.

There is no rush

     The rush we feel everyday, the rush to go outside, to do things, things you do in a rush to go back to bed. Do not waste time. There is no such thing as time. Everything around us sedentary, because that is the way life is.

     If all humans were to suddenly disappear, life would continue and take over our Capitalist means. Human versus nature. But the ecosystem thrives on, and so is nature invincible? Is there really a struggle between man and nature? The flow of water echoes the flow of blood into our arteries. Photosynthesize, the plants photosynthesize everyday, and nature thrives on while the remains of our past rot on.

     But all of this is a process that takes years. We all feel the need to rush decisions in our life because we should not waste time. Yet, time is not wasted, if you take some time to look around and appreciate the little things. The coffee I tasted in the morning, the kisses I received, the smile on my mother’s face. The more I learn from these things, the more I can create infinity, because those little moments are the moments where time completely stops, and I am able to feel what it truly is to be human.

     Appreciate these things because you truly don’t know if there is a tomorrow. Yesterday is forgotten, and what is important is the now.

And I’m tired of all this hipster shit on tumblr. Goodbye.

I am going to kill everyone on facebook, seriously.

OFF FACEBOOK AND TUMBLR BECAUSE MOTHERLDKSFJSLKDFJ PEOPLE SPOILED HIMYM FOR ME I HATE YOU ALL.

My personal thought

If you do not think your friends are beautiful inside and out, there is either something wrong with the way you are thinking, or those friends are not right for you.

   You can have the most amazing friends in the world, but your definition of beauty is this and that, and they do not fit that archetype, and you do not think they are physically beautiful, then there is something wrong or distorted with the way you are thinking. Perhaps you are warped up in society’s definition of beauty. At the same time, who am I to judge your perception of beauty? This is just my theory, folks.

   You can have friends who may be physically beautiful, but inside they are not good people; because you know who they really are, you do not see them as attractive. Then maybe you have the wrong friends. Hanging out with the wrong crowd.

   I was just thinking about this because I was thinking about how beautiful all of my friends are. When they whine about their insecurities, I disagree. Also, a person’s beauty grows over time. The more I know you and love you, the more beautiful you are.

In my essay I almost wrote : She becomes the symbol of hope in a loveless place.

A T appreciation post. I love my roommate. When I first met her we were both kinda just quiet and to ourselves, and I was jealous of how many friends she had and how I had to start all over. Over time, we got to know each other well, and now I don’t think I could live without her (so cheesy). Our lives are so separate and different in too many ways, but somehow we relate in so many aspects. This morning she woke me up and slept on my bed with me and talked to me about her life. When I woke up later, I woke her up and talked to her about my life. Then I discovered that she’ll let me wear her clothing (aka the second random photo), and dammit, why didn’t I borrow her clothing all year?!?! This summer, I plan on selling majority of my clothing because I don’t even wear them…does anybody want anything? Anyways, I love you T, and yay I’m so glad I’m your roommate. She’s actually going to my house next week and I can’t wait to show her around Millbrae, although there really isn’t that much to show hehe.